Time For a Change (Second Camino)

“How was the Camino for you today honey?” My boyfriend curiously asks me from home on our What’s App video call.

”It was OK.” 

“How’s it going there?”

”OK.” I flatly respond.

”How do you feel?”

”Honestly, I don’t know.” Silence fills the line and neither of us really knows what to say.

The tear sliding down my face reveals what I haven’t been wanting to admit, “I just don’t know what I’m doing here. It’s not that I want to quit or that it’s bad, it’s just not that great. And I feel so confused. I’ve wanted to do this for over 5 years!” 

“Sweetie, you’re not the same person that you were last time. Of course it’s going to be different.”

“I know that, but what do I do with that? I’m really not comparing, I’m open to having a new experience.”

”What do you really want right now? Do you want to walk? To come home? Your flight home is in three weeks, you could do anything.”

”Honestly, I just want to coach people.” 

“Then do it.”

My body relaxes, and I take a deep breath in the clarity that I’ve been looking for.

”There you are again. I’ve missed you.” He smiles back at me.

I announce this to Marta over our 9:30pm cena, dinner of fresh bread and ripe heirloom tomatoes drizzled with olive oil. “Marta, I’ve made a decision. The Northern Route is very beautiful, but it’s not where I want to be. I want to walk with people who are searching for something in their lives, or rediscovering themselves, and I think that’s more likely on the French route.” 

“Kathy,” she smiles, “this sounds very good for you. I think it’s a wonderful idea. Many people on the Northern Route are here for sport. I think you will find there what you’re looking.” 

Almost six years ago I came to Spain broken and lost, with many extra pounds of flesh protecting the skeleton of myself. The Camino and the peregrinos opened their arms and took me in and gifted me so much love and beauty while I strode through the Spanish countryside on the biggest healing journey of my life. 

It is a new season. I’m really NOT the same person. I’m not looking for the Camino to give me something or to heal me. The way for me to shine is to offer back to the Camino and the people here the love, acceptance and support that it has given me. 

With those who are receptive I will engage in conversation, listen with my heart, and offer compassionate reflection. 

I think this is the other way I’ve been looking for - Otro Camino.

In my youth I loved doing puzzles, and I always started the same. I located all of the edge pieces and linked them together and then filled in the middle. That’s what I feel like I’ve just done. The container is now intact, and I’m going to begin creating inside the images of people and places, colors and textures. One big difference, I can’t reference the completed picture. I will only discover that by once again stepping into the unknown. 

I later tell Dale, “I feel so clear now but also a little nervous” 

“Great. That sounds like the perfect direction to take.”

There comes a time when we need to stop searching and healing and learning and preparing and we need stand forward and begin. Whether we feel ready or not. 

“The ego will never be ready to do the work of the soul.” Said Robert Holden at my graduation from the University of Santa Monica. “But the good news is that it doesn’t have to. The soul will do the work of the soul, and then it will stand aside and let the ego take all the credit.” 

Spring has sprung, and it’s time to come out of the bud and blossom. Buen Camino.

Preparing for My Second Camino de Santiago

In two days I’ll be doing something I’ve been waiting and trying to do for over five years. I’m finally walking the Camino de Santiago again. At least that’s the plan - on May 7 I fly to Barcelona, and I have five and a half weeks cleared from my calendar.

The question today is, will my body cooperate? Four weeks ago, I would have said yes. I had been hiking the foothills of the Rocky Mountains, feeling strong, and had gathered most of the items needed for my pilgrimage.

However, twelve days ago  I returned from a demanding spiritual retreat in Peru, where I had a bladder infection, persistent back/shoulder pain and violent illness from a parasite. I have mostly been in bed since I got home, and unfortunately the cold/cough I had been fighting has also settled in.

Determined, a few days ago I put mind over matter, slipped on my hiking boots and started hiking a really easy trail near my house. About a mile later, with heavy legs and labored breathing, I turned around and trudged back to the car and spent the rest of the day in back bed wondering how I will walk the challenging 17 miles planned for Day 1 of the northern route of the Camino.

The first Camino I did in 2012 my intention was to rediscover myself and practice stepping into a new life after my marriage broke up and both sons went off for their first year of college out of state.

Questions on My Mind

I’ve been wondering: Why has the Camino been calling me back ever since? What wisdom will it share with me this time? So much is being cleared from my body right now, what is it making space for?

The flutters in my stomach signal my fear of the unknown. 

The Camino is a daily adventure into the unknown. I will put my boots and backpack on every morning, grab my hiking sticks and begin walking until I’m hungry where I’ll find a village bar selling food. I won’t know who I will meet each day until our paths cross. I will see how far my body will carry me before I need to show my pilgrim’s passport and get a bunk in an albergue for the night with other pilgrims.

I’ll be heading west, walking about 8 hours a day, each step leading me one step closer to Santiago, and to home, both inwardly and outwardly. That’s a lot of time to spend with oneself. What unknown places inside of me will I discover?

Will I have fun? Is there any way to avoid blisters on this more than 500-mile journey? Will my body hold up? Will I meet interesting people who want to walk with me? Or will I be alone much of the time—will that be OK? Will this pilgrimage deliver the same spiritual experiences and profound self-discovery and self-acceptance that the last one did? Am I foolishly trying to recapture that experience which was so life changing? Honestly, I feel scared contemplating these things.

An Invitation

I’m aware that whenever anyone moves toward a heartfelt dream, their fears and doubts come floating to the surface signaling that the ego is worried about something. Something like losing the illusion of control. Based on my fears I’m guessing that this is going to be a really significant journey into living more and more connected with my Authentic Self and the Divine. And my ego is not pleased about that.

I'm determined to fulfill this 5-year calling. My intention is to courageously and open-heartedly meet the unknown, moment to moment, one step at a time.

I plan to share my journey. I invite you to read, and if you’d like, to use my experience to reflect on where you are in your own life. Would you, too, like to discover a more authentic, heart-centered version of yourself and allow that version to guide you on a new adventure in your life? Camino means path or way. What’s your “Camino” right now? Perhaps you’re in a situation that’s not a literal walk, but a path that is bringing up your own set of fears and opportunities for discovery.

What fears are coming up for you? Are you afraid of what people might think of you? Do you question whether you deserve what you really want in life? Are you afraid of what might happen if you actually got it?

Or is your path feeling stagnant? Are you stuck in habitual patterns moving safely through life on autopilot without seeking the opportunity to try new things regularly?

I’m a woman embarking on a very long walk and sharing her reflections along the way. I invite you to join me.

Growing Up-wards (First Camino)

The sky is pure gray, no variance, no shades, no contrast. An ancient cemetery is on my right. The past buried here, each person honored with a white, stone cross, laid to rest. To my left a beautiful, old pine tree with green, feathery, soft needles bends over the old road. The camino stretches out ahead of me and disappears out of sight as it descends into more trees, and in the distance the sky is muted by a fuzzy, foggy mist; hills barely perceptible.

In the grey stillness I pause on the soft ground trampled by many who have gone before me. With my camera, I attempt over and over to capture something that has stopped me. I’m disappointed in each digital image, and I’m not even sure what I’m looking for until a silvery, grey cross catches my eye. It marks the place where one has been buried. The image of the cross settles inside me. The line parallel to the earth reminds me of my camino, a journey from point to point, and also of my life, moving through the world, making my way, one side representing my past, the other side representing my future, the midpoint, today. The perpendicular line symbolizes my spiritual journey, and as I grow in my awareness spiritually, I gradually ascend upward.

A deep knowing resonates inside of me as I’m overcome with the awareness that the only place that these two lines intersect is in the “now.” My spiritual growth opportunities only happen in the power of the present moment. As I experience deep gratitude for my journey through life, my eyes are drawn to the cross again, and I follow it down to where it is planted firmly into the earth where I do my spiritual work. I have been placed here on this earth to move through all of the experiences of my human life with the opportunity in each for me to spiritually grow UP.

I breathe in the cool, pine scented air and step forward on the Camino, my camino, gradually past the cemetery, out of town and into the forest. The path is soft, and gives way to my footsteps, one after another. Silence envelops me, the forest once again takes me in, and I surrender to the present moment. Peace washes away thoughts of the past or future from my mind. Like the gentle current of a stream, I’m carving my own path in the earth.

(September 23, 2012, reflection later)